


Falling Snow

by ausfil



Category: Westlife
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Boyband, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Christmas, Closeted Character, Confessions, Conversations, Crying, Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Exes, Family, First Love, Guilt, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Memories, Moving On, Mutual Pining, No Smut, Not Over Each Other, Past Relationship(s), Pining, Post-Break Up, Regret, Reminiscing, Romance, Sad, Secret Relationship, Snow, Snowball Fight, Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2016-11-25
Packaged: 2018-09-02 03:01:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8649100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ausfil/pseuds/ausfil
Summary: Shane and Nicky had forced themselves to move on, but with Christmas only a month away, painful memories and lingering feelings of love seep from the holes in their hearts.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea if it snows or not in Ireland in November. If not... let's just pretend that it does.

“They look like they're having fun. Can’t believe it’s Christmas in a month already. My kids could not be more excited.” Nicky smiled. He knew Shane was smiling too. He didn’t have to look.

“Tell me about it. Lately, all Nicole talks about is Christmas.”

Nicky and Shane were sitting on a park bench, side by side with a certain distance between them, watching their kids muck around together in the snow.

“Remember our first Christmas together when we started with the band?” Shane lilted, an undertone of pain in that voice.

Nicky nodded. He felt the memory warm his heart. “How can I forget?”

He couldn’t. He could never forget the big Christmas party in Shane’s hometown. He had felt like an outsider when the entirety of Sligo probably knew each other, even all the animals. They were all congratulating the three Sligo boys of the band for the number 1s on the charts, for doing their country proud. Then Shane had invited him over to a quiet room in private, had talked about the way Christmas and a few drinks gave him the courage to do something that he wanted to do for a long time. Nicky had no idea what his friend was going on about, until Shane shut him up and kissed him. It was awkward, rushed, a bit rigid even, but it was the most precious kiss that either of them shared. It had been the moment Nicky’s world was turned upside down and when he found what love really meant at the age of nineteen.

Now, they were in their early thirties with wives and children of their own, and the time leading up to Christmas was always tough for both of them – unwanted but treasurable memories seeped through and distracted them, no matter how much time had passed since they had broken up.

Nicky looked sideways at his ex-boyfriend. Shane’s cheeks were a bit pink from the cold. He wanted to reach out and rub them; warm them like he used to. He had to put his hands in his pockets to resist the urge.

Shane felt the gaze from the side and turned his head. Both pairs of eyes locked, not knowing how to turn away, nor wanting to. Ever. Shane’s lips quirked with a heavy tug in the corners, so did Nicky’s.

“You know, every Christmas after that, I–“

“Daddy, Rocco threw a snowball at me!” Shane was interrupted by his daughter, Nicole, who whined as she scrubbed the snow out of her eye and Shane chuckled, hopping up to head over and help her. Nicky followed.

“Rocco, come on.” Nicky light-heartedly scolded his son, not before picking up a snowball himself and heaving it at Shane. It hit Shane’s shoulder and he flinched before he looked up with his eyebrows raised but a cheeky grin also. “Just showing the kids how to throw right.”

“Yeah? Well,” Shane stood up and balled snow in his hands, “maybe I’ll show my daughter some self-defence.”

“You wouldn’t.” Nicky took a step back, his arms up in alert.

Shane stepped closer, a dangerous smile spread on his face as he chucked the snowball and laughed at Nicky who had his game face on.

***

“I’m so fucking soaked.”

“Stop whinging. You won the snowball fight. Be happy with that.” Shane chuckled and gave Nicky a jacket from his wardrobe to replace the wet one. “Is this one good?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. At least it’s not soaked from all the snowballs.”

“Hey, all of my clothes are wet too because of you.”

“You deserved it.” Shane rolled his eyes and Nicky grinned. “I haven’t had a snowball fight like that in such a long time.”

“Yeah, me too. We grew up, Nico.” Shane chuckled, although it sounded weak and forced, unintentionally weighted with nostalgia.

“We sure did.” Nicky wanted to change the subject, didn't want to be washed up with nostalgia. He looked away and blurted out anything that came to his mind. “So it’s Christmas in a month. Any plans yet?” The new subject had to be fucking Christmas. He scolded himself in his mind.

“No, not really. Probably just stay home with Gillian and the kids.”

“You guys can come over to our place if you want. We can have dinner together.”

Shane looked up into Nicky’s earnest eyes. He didn’t think that was a good idea. “Thanks, but we shouldn’t, we… we’ll just stay at ours.”

“Do you not want to come over?” Nicky saw Shane’s face come to a halt before the boy avoided his eyes. “What is it?”

Shane shook his head. “Nothing, it’s just… No. Nothing. Nevermind.”

“Come on. You can tell me.” Nicky had an idea of what was going on inside Shane’s head, but he wanted to hear it, as petty and desperate as that may be, he wanted to _hear_ it for himself.

“Just…” Shane sighed. “Christmas, and… and you, it’s… too much. I don’t think I can get through it.”

“Shane…” Nicky reached out and grabbed Shane’s hand. Shane flinched and pulled away, took a step back from Nicky. Hurt overtook Nicky’s eyes. “What, after all these years, I can’t even touch your hand? Come on, we broke up ten years ago. I think we’ve moved past that.”

“Have we?” Shane shot back, a sharp edge stealing the usual warmth of his voice. “Have we, really?”

“What do you mean?” Nicky swallowed hard. He felt like crying. Didn’t know why, or rather, he didn't want to admit why.

“I still lo–…” Shane stopped himself and let out a shuddering breath. Nicky felt his heart stop. “No, nevermind. It doesn’t matter. You left me, got married, and so did I. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“No, tell me what you were about to say.” Nicky took a step closer. “You miss me. I see it in your eyes every day.” That was a statement, rather than guesses and questions. Nicky knew too well. He knew where Shane’s heart was, because his heart was in the same place. But he also knew that it could never happen again. It was a ship that sailed ten years ago and was forbidden to return, no matter how much either of them wanted it to, but, _god_ , they wanted it bad, because... “I still love y–“

“Shut up.” Shane interrupted, his tone rough and low. “Just… shut up. Don’t say it.”

“Okay… but… I do, you know. I never stopped.” Nicky made sure to leave out the word ‘love’. He figured it would be too painful for him too. There was too much hurt associated with that term between them and they both spent so much time trying to bury it deep. They couldn’t afford to have it take over their lives again.

“I know, and I… me too.” Shane sighed and scrubbed his face as he could feel his eyes brimming with tears. “But… it’s finished. It was ages ago and we both moved on. We’re leading different lives, Nicky. We have a wife, kids – a family.”

Nicky nodded, feeling a lump set in his throat. “For what it’s worth… there’s not a day when I don’t regret leaving you.”

“Yeah, well, too late. You did.” Shane spat back in a trembling but stern voice.

“I know. But I thought it was for the best, for both of us. I told you, I–“

“You were ashamed of loving me. Who are you kidding? You didn't care about what was best for me. You only cared for _you_.” Shane’s body tensed with the feeling of betrayal that he always carried, whether he wanted to or not. “You didn’t want the world to know about us. You didn’t want the papers to print ‘Westlife’s Shane and Nicky – secret gay lovers’. You were _ashamed_ of loving me.”

Nicky didn’t have a single word to say to that. He just bit down on his bottom lip and lowered his head, because Shane was right. He _was_ ashamed. He didn’t want anyone to know. He was too afraid of what that could bring.

Shane saw the way Nicky sulked in sorrow, regret, shame. He sighed and felt his eyes soften a bit while the muscles in his body loosened. “Sorry. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to say that.”

Nicky shook his head. “No… you’re right. I’m sorry. I was horrible to you.”

“You weren’t horrible.” Shane’s voice was soft as he walked up to his ex-boyfriend and held his hand. “Even if it was a secret, you were the best thing in my life without a doubt. Don’t ever be sorry for that. I guess we just… we had to end sometime, you know? No matter how much we love each other.” Shane used his free hand to run a thumb along Nicky’s cheek.

Nicky shook his head again. “If I hadn’t been such a coward, if… if I didn’t end it the way I did, we could have still been happy together, Shane. And I fucked it up, because I was scared. If I could travel back to ten years ago, and if I had known how hard it would be without you… I wouldn’t have been so scared. The only things I would’ve been scared of are losing you and living without you, more than anything else.”

Shane couldn’t speak. He was busy biting down on his lip and making an effort to not cry. He didn’t want to break down and make Nicky feel even worse than he already did. He had to be the strong one. He forced himself to be. Draping his arms around Nicky’s waist, he stepped closer and rested his face on Nicky’s shoulder, taking a deep breath.

“I’m sorry.” Nicky whispered and hugged Shane tighter. He didn’t want to let go, especially when he heard a sob being muffled on his shoulder. That ripped his heart. “Shay… don’t cry.”

“I miss you.”

“I’m with you right now.” Nicky slid his hand up and down Shane’s trembling back. The tears in Shane’s voice was the last thing Nicky ever wanted to hear, and being the one to cause it, his heart ripped even more.

“It’s not the same. I… I miss _you_. I fucking hate you for leaving me. You were acting so stupid.” Shane spoke up. He didn’t hold back anymore. _Couldn’t_ hold back. The lid came off and these repressed emotions overflowed.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Nicky broke off the hug to look into Shane’s eyes – those red, wet eyes that still held the same amount of love they did years ago.

Shane was about to say something, tell Nicky off even more, but he couldn’t once he lost himself in those deep seas of Nicky’s blue orbs. Both pairs were heavy with desire and hesitation at the same time in the midst of exchanged tension, until Shane snapped.

“Kiss me.” He whispered, a certain roughness in that low quiet tone.

“That… That might be wrong, Shay.”

Nicky said it but his mind was dashing in the opposite direction. In his mind, he was already kissing Shane, already laying him down on the bed, already showing him that the break-up ten years ago did nothing to cease his love, and that it never will, even if another decade separated them.

“I don’t care. I know you want to as well. Just… kiss me. I need this.”

Without waiting for Nicky’s reply, Shane closed the gap, and both of them were engaged in an instant. Their eyes closed as they lost control of themselves in each other’s tender lips that fit ever so perfectly, like they always did. Tongues slid out and entwined in a natural, effortless manner. They could swear that fireworks were going off somewhere, like that first young kiss at the Christmas party when they were only nineteen years of age.

Everything that they yearned for during all those times spent apart, every touch that they craved, every emotion that they sought… This one kiss could solve it all, one by one, with each lick and tangle of their desperate tongues, hungry to fulfil each other and sense each other for the first and last time.

Soft moans filled the room as they continued to steal each other’s breath then blow it back into every inch of their tingling hearts. Once, twice, they fell in deeper like their worlds would end any minute, never wanting to stop for anything but knowing they would have to eventually and part ways again.

With that thought, Nicky pulled his head back a bit and broke the kiss as he tried to settle the lump in his throat. Their breaths were shallow and heavy. Shane didn’t miss the tears standing in those clear blue eyes that were looking at him as if he was the most important thing in his life.

“Sweetie…” Shane caressed Nicky’s cheek.

“Sorry. Sorry…” Nicky sniffed, blinked back the tears. They fell anyway.

“I love you.” Shane whispered and ran his hand through Nicky’s blonde hair. More tears flooded out of Nicky’s eyes at that beautiful sentence he wanted to hear each and every following day until he died.

“I just want to run away… Ditch everything and run away with you. Let’s do that. Let’s run away.”

“We can’t, Nico.” Shane rubbed Nicky’s wet cheek with his thumb. “I wish we could… but we can’t.”

Nicky nodded, his mind being pulled back to reality, as much as he hated it. “And… and we can’t do _this_ again.” Nicky’s voice was raw with pain as he let go of Shane and took a step back, away from the solacing touch of Shane’s hand.

Shane found himself reaching out but stopped. He knew that Nicky was right. He put his hand down. “Yes, we can’t. We… we can’t. We shouldn’t.” He repeated to remind himself and sat down on the bed, staring at the floor with empty eyes that were also dragged to reality. “I cannot believe I let that happen… We were so good in not doing any of that until now.”

“I know. We were.” Nicky sat down beside him, his shoulders heavier than he thought they ever could be.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked you to kiss me. We… we were so good. It’s my fault that we snapped. Sorry.”

“My fault as much as it is yours.” Nicky put his hand on top of Shane’s, giving it a slight squeeze.

Shane fixated his gaze on the hand. He hated it when Nicky let go and returned it to his own lap. The top of his hand felt cold, empty.

“I should probably get home now. Georgina’s waiting.” That name gashed Shane’s heart. He hated the fact that it did, but he couldn’t help it, like the way Gillian’s name pained Nicky a little every time.

“Yeah, of course.”

They stood up, and Shane walked Nicky to the front door.

“I’ll see you later, Shay.” Shane nodded, painting a smile on his face.

Nicky felt like his feet were nailed to the ground. He didn’t want to move and go home. Their eyes were locked with short but meaningful exchanges, and Nicky pulled Shane in for a hug. He could feel Shane’s arm curl around his back, holding him tight and spreading all the warmth in the world to his heart, but he had to let go. He had to.

“Bye.” Nicky whispered and pulled back. After receiving a nod, he turned around.

Shane watched Nicky’s every step as he walked away under the falling snow. He wanted to run up to him, grab his hand and run away.


End file.
